I lost a cousin recently. Not just a cousin, but a true loved one. We grew up together since our mothers are best friends, even though his family constantly moved around because his dad was in the Air Force, it didn't stop our families from seeing each other. He was the one who taught me how to walk and I can remember the way my mom told me the story of how I walked to him for the first time ever. I can still remember trips to Plattsburgh and Syracuse when I was little and more recently their visit to our house and my visit to Colorado when I was in high school. All the little details about visiting their family because I was always so excited to see him. And now he's gone.

What's worse is the way he left this world. Being beaten so badly that his face was unrecognizable and that the only way his was identifiable was through his tattoo on his arm is no way to leave. His body was found by a policeman who was searching the area on an unrelated call and apparently he was wrapped up in a way that made it seem like he was hidden. It was no simple accident, whether it was simply being the wrong place at the wrong time, or being involved in something, or whatever, it was with intent and it breaks my heart to think of it but I can't help but do so. I've only heard small details of his finding and yet, all I can picture is how he could have looked and how terrible his last few moments must have been. I can't help but think of his mother, father and younger brother and what they must be going through. I find myself constantly reading the articles about his body being found and there haven't been any updates since Sunday, yet I check 4-5 times a day anyways. I need to know that he will be at rest and the only way that can happen is if the person or people who did this horrible thing will be brought to justice. His name hasn't even been released by the media yet I feel like everyone knows already. I love you, Kuya. I know I haven't spoken to you in years but you're always in my heart, I know that you were the same amazing person that I grew up to admire. I regret not keeping in contact with you and I know I can't do anything about it now, but please know, that I will never forget you.

Rest in peace, JBH.

Post 2

I look at her and sometimes all I see is vanity and self-obsession.

"You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually, everyone hates you"

You want me to be mad at you? You want me to be mean? You got it.

This may be a moment of weakness but I will not let you step all over me just because you think you can.

Post 1

One of the hardest things about being in a relationship is being able to put feelings into words.

I've never been keen on arguing with your significant other and honestly, I always try to be the type of girlfriend that is understanding and not easily upset. Yelling and screaming is not usually my forte. Although, today I pushed myself over my own limit and exploded with blind, uncontrollable anger that not even the cutest puppy could stop it in it's course.

You know that thing people say about not pushing your feelings deep down in that dark, scary place we all have inside ourselves? That we should all just be open and honest about our feelings in order to avoid the unavoidable explosion of emotions? Well it's a true story. Keeping your feelings suppressed will only and most definitely result in bad news.

I know this. This is something I've been studying for almost 2 years now and yet I still fall victim to it. It's just so much easier to think that I can deal with it on my own and hope that maybe, the reason why I'm mad/upset/sad will resolve itself and will stop making me mad/upset and/or sad. And yet, here I am, trying to explain to myself that once again, I was wrong and I should probably take advice from all the psychologists that I've read about and just say how I feel.

I had several moments of weakness today. The first was probably when I decided to go out of my way to try and be with him. The other was when I couldn't control my anger with him and threw all of what had happened that day onto him, saying anything and everything I could to show how mad I was, even though, as I reflect on it all now, it was probably just as much my fault as it was his. Miscommunication and misinterpretation are two very powerful things that can produce very dark demons.

Needless to say, yelling and screaming followed and tears were not far behind. All I wanted to do was tell him how much he hurt me and how terrible it felt, not only this time but the previous time as well. I wanted him to understand that being in the position that I was, where I put myself out there and went out of my way to be with him only to be shunned away, only made me start thinking about the worst possibilities. I know he loves me and yet my mind went on a tangent and I couldn't help but think otherwise. I try to stay in control of my emotions and I feel at my weakest when I can't. I will never, ever subject myself into saying that, "It's okay, I'm a girl, I'm allowed to feel this way". It's too easy to do that and then I feel like when I am genuinely upset about something it's because I'm "chicking out", or so one person I know would call it. "Chicking out" definitely has a negative connotation attached to it, basically "acting like a girl", since it's clear that most feminine qualities attached to emotion, among others, is usually undesirable. I think there is a reason why our bodies react the way that it does in response to actions, words and situations. Yes, I can say that some people take it over the edge and are just overly sensitive but for the most part, people who are genuine have a reason to feel the way they feel and there is nothing wrong with that. That's a probable reason why people have mental issues, because there is some kind of fear attached to expressing emotion to others.

Pent up feelings are bad.

Out of control emotions is probably at the source of many unfortunate demises and yet it is a thing that can be easily regulated with simple conversation. Although it was a lesson learned the hard way, it was a lesson learned nonetheless.

If you are mad, find the words to say why.

Your pillow may be able to absorb your tears but that's all it will do. Say something.

Write it down, think it through. These are the things that I've ignored in the past and I potentially put my relationship at risk for doing so.

Weakness shouldn't be measured by our capacity to express ourselves, only our inability to do so.

Til next time.
-K